The Palestine Herald, Palestine, Texas


October 20, 2012

LIFE BEHIND THE PINE CURTAIN: Funny church bulletins

EDITOR'S NOTE: Behind the Pine Curtains is a series of anecdotes compiled and edited by Herald-Press Publisher Gary Connor.

The English language, rather our use of it, often creates interesting meanings. Whether it is a dangling participle, a misplaced phrase or a misspelled word, what we type is not always exactly what we meant to say.

The collection below is comprised of statements from church bulletins around the country. Fortunately, nothing of this nature could ever happen in East Texas or could it?

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Don't let worry kill you off — let the Church help.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and the deterioration of some older ones.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5 p.m. —  prayer and medication to follow.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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