Published: August 02, 2008 10:56 pm            

Communication is the key

Apparently So column

I’ve been writing this parenting column all of my children‘s lives. In fact, they’ve grown up on the pages of this newspaper. I began writing about the challenges of infants and now I have a couple of adolescents. The issues are equally difficult, but decidedly different.

One subject has always been among the most important: communication. I have discovered that if we lose that, we’ve lost the battle and maybe the whole war. We have to keep communication open and there are no shortcuts to doing so. The kids have to know we really care about them. If we can accomplish this, we can continue to be part of their lives.

And so, when our children were really young I wrote about giving them our full attention. I wrote about how important it was to validate their feelings and emotions. Back then, I discovered they wanted to talk with us. They actually cared about our opinions, asked questions, and listened to our answers. They talked and shared. They were open books when they were young, eager to speak, listen and learn. I was warned that when they reached adolescence they would only speak with us if we earned the right and now I know this is true.

But we’ve been deliberate all of their lives in our efforts to earn that right. It’s hard to play from behind. It can be done, but we’re really at a disadvantage if we have to.

I’ve found that perception is a key here. If children perceive us as too busy for them, or closed to any ideas other than our own, or completely out of touch with reality, they will likely close their minds to us. We’re losing the battle at this point. We have to keep those lines of communication open or they will gradually shut us out of their lives.

The trick is seeming to be their friends, but in reality being very much their parents. They need that more than they realize. I think we achieve this perception by showing interest in what interests them; by listening to them without judgment; by spending free and unplanned time with them. By laughing at their cartoons and listening as they describe their adventures in the virtual world of video games. We know who Hanna Montana is, and even take the time to watch her show with them every now and then. I’m not saying we only watch their shows, and it would be strange if we were only interested in what is targeted to children, but showing interest in what they enjoy is an opportunity to keep the door of communication open. And the more quality time we spend with them, the more we understand them, and that furthers our cause. Besides, when we show interest in their world, they might just show interest in ours. Then we can teach and correct and discipline. We’ve earned the right to set down rules, and because they want to please us, they just might follow them.

So, I’ve been writing about keeping the lines of communication open all of our children’s lives. Is it working? I’m happy to report that it is. Even though our children are both adolescents, they are both still very affectionate toward us. They still speak freely to us, share their feelings, and express their emotions. It’s not perfect, but so far so good. I know the battle isn’t over and there are still difficult days ahead, but they know we love them and don’t mind telling us they love us. We’ll keep trying and I’ll keep writing and let you know how it goes.

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The Rev. Craig Harris is the pastor of Montalba Christian Church and a home loan officer at Mortgages and More. He also writes parenting tips for Palestine ISD.

        

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